Saturday, May 5, 2018

That's it... The End

his sianx and 勉强 face resulted in my sianx mood which eventually led to my pek chekness ... so decided to take a walk to get ice cream on my own and also get some think time over a glass of ice milo while playing homescape at the kopitiam... 

these 2 weeks after his obs camp has been rocky.... finally fed up with all the emo-ness and uneasiness... i decided that talking it out and finding out what was the trigger to these yucky emotions was the best solution... something must have happened during the obs camp... turned out that he was reflecting on his life during the 4 long nights and realised that he is extremely vex with his life right now... he felt that all the trainings, assignments and reflection is a mega waste of his time... 

wtf... nie must be my relationship curse... it was in nie that my last one ended... and now it's because he had too much think time in the nie obs camp that this is to happen...  

as he shared his frustration over his current situation, he blame me for coercing him to quit his sale job and to come into teaching ... 

but i felt quite 冤枉 lo... he himself had signed up with moe before he took up his phd, and he was giving so many tuition since his uni days that i thought teaching was something that he dun mind having as a career... 

so when sales took up too much of his time and he was constantly stressed and frustrated over his work 2 years ago... i encouraged him to make the switch... 

i was really happy when he made the switch cos it would mean that we can have the same holiday together which was not possible in his previous sales job... i thought that having a less stressful job that allows us to have more quality time together will strength our marriage... 

little did i know, i sowed the seed of his resentment towards me... the seed took 2 years to germinate but took only 4 nights to blossom big time.... =S 

from what he shared with me, i think it started off with "wtf was he doing at the camp doing silly activities and with no access to phone (whatsapp & carousell) for 4.5 days... means he couldnt be doing what he wanted to do most... sell his 3D printing filaments and communicate with prospective buyers... 

then it spun off to why isnt he allow to do what he wants now, he wants to leave teacher training, he wants to focus on selling his 3D printing filament, he wants to earn a lot of money, he wants to be an entrepreneur, he wants to 说走就走 to go travel to see what he can bring back to Singapore to sell, he wants to go hang out with his friends, he wants to YOLO, he wants to have 满足感 and purpose in his life which he cant cos i am in his life... so he started to think of 'what if'... 

listening to all these let me know that our time as the 甜甜蜜蜜 Mr & Mrs Ang is up... i m no longer the priority in his life... my kind of simple happiness doesn't attract him anymore...  

all along, i knew a super busy worklife will destroy a marriage... that's why i always make family a priority...he knew it when we first knew each other... the 11 hours we spent on talking about our expectation on our first date used to be something that i was quite proud of... i thought by stating our expectation and finding a match will make this relationship a success... but i am still wrong... 人真的是会跟着时间在变...Mr Ang 长大了... 

i tried salvaging, compromising but to no avail... 8 years 10 months after we first met each other... 8 years 9 months after we got together and 7 years 4 months of marriage... except for the last 2 weeks, all the time with him has been amazingly sweet and perfect from my perspective... but it was actually already over 2 years ago... 


so that's it... The End 

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