Sunday, August 5, 2018

of hormones & emotional roller coaster

just when i thought that my life couldn't get any worse since my life priority has already put me in the highest level of distress and agony in my 37 years alive... cai mummy's MRI result came out and she had to be referred to the pancreatic department for follow-up on top of having to do a scope every half a year at the endoscopy department... 

can you blame me for wishing that all my love ones stay healthy and live a long life by not indulging in harmful habits such as smoking, drinking excessively, late nights every nights and is encouraged to learn how to slow down, have a better work-life balance and enjoy a less stressful life when i see my mum going through all the checks, ops and having to take so many pills every day resulted from her hectic long hours of work in her younger days and excessive drinking during her depression days??? 

the trigger that set my emotion in a downward spiral was actually the need to apply for parental care leave to accompany cai mummy for her scope... the thought of the possibility of losing my mum in the near future was too overwhelming that i broke down at work... he has been my pillar of strength the last 9 years; when bearbi died & when cai mummy was down with severe lung infection and 2nd stage colon cancer... i was so emotional that i texted him to stop being so mean to me... i wished he could come and hug me like how he used to and tell me everything is alright... yet, i had no guts to pick up his video call knowing that he would be extremely distant... 

Aunt Flo came a day later ... so it was the hormones for the outburst... the emotional roller coaster was horrible and it was worse over the weekend... though i hate roller coaster, especially this emotional one but i dont really want it to end ... i really dont want to end my love for you... 



a part of me was thankful that he responded to my plead for comfort instantly and it took me 57 hours to buck up my courage to craft a reply explaining why i didnt pick up his video call, that i still miss him alot, a wish for him to enjoy his dinner and reminded him to drive carefully at all times.... 

i must have caught him at his free time .... and the whole ding dong-ing on him wanting to move on, be alone, he will never come back to me even if he has to be alone forever, he cant see himself with me again, he will not change his mind on this, he assumes that i will hate him for the rest of my life and that his mum and i wont forgive him, he dont want to give me false hope, he dosent love me anymore, he is sure i will find a better guy in time to come, he doesnt see me as his wife anymore, and many more hurtful words were received... 

ended this round of ding dong-ing at 10+ pm, couldnt sleep a wink as the whole conversation was on replay mode in my mind... some times, i take them at face value and cried buckets.... other times, i recall what the fortune teller said about ignoring everything that he says now as he is clouded and influenced by the negative energy and i would feel much better.... other times, i wonder if he is trying to convince me or is he trying to convince himself, if he is angry with me or ashame of himself, if he's punishing me or is he punishing himself, if it's me whom he gave up or did he gave up on himself??? 

other times, i would think of him as a teenager/young adult going through secondary/JC/uni/fresh out of school phase... weren't most of us at our most family disoriented phase then and want nothing much to do with our family unless we need their help during those phases?!?!?!?... friends, work, self were top priorities right?!?!?!... that's y i had classified him as a case of benjamin button...   

other times, i would cast doubt on his persistent level at this moment... he is one of the most fickle minded person i ever come across... from guardian-ship, to Indonesia tuition centre, to moe, to phd, to sale, back to moe, to set up sport academy, 3D business, online tuition agency and now back to sale... 

didnt he used to say he will love me till we are 老爷爷 and 老奶奶, didnt he used to say that even though he changes his mind over other things, he will never change his mind about us, didnt he vowed to take me to be his wife, his partner in life and his one true love, that he will cherish our union and love me more each day than he did the day before, that he will trust me and respect me, laugh with me and hug me tightly when I cry, loving me faithfully through good and bad times, regardless of the obstacles we may face together, that he gave me his hand, his heart, and his love, from 2nd Jan 2011 onwards for as long as we both shall live.... 

time will tell, time will heal... i remember the HK drama "Triumph in the skies"... Belle's (played by Flora Chan) method of coping with her lose when her husband (played by Joe Ma) passed away... living in my bubble is something i can do very well too... 

whether i sign now, sign 3 years later, 5 years later or dont sign at all, i will still be alone till i grow old and die... i know myself too well... i do not have the courage to love another cos despite the pain he gave me now, i still think that no other guy can give me the kind of happiness i want for a duration as long as the 8 years 9 months he gave me.... i was really ignorantly in love, in bliss for the whole duration with him till his priorities changed this April... i also think no other guy would be as thick-skin as him to 猛追 me like he did despite all my rejection back then... 

if he, who loved me so much, used to be so proud of our love story, used to be so proud of himself marrying and setting up our little family with our pups at age 22, value my opinions and happiness so much, can change and react in this totally illogical manner within a week and gave up everything we shared, how sure am i that the next one wont???    

i only deserve 9 years of bliss and love this lifetime ... 曾经真的很幸福... 

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